inside the mind of a puppet
by Silmaria
Summary: Imagine being a prisoner in your own body...


**Inside the mind of a puppet**

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_"Jenova controls my body, but my thoughts are my own…"_

This is Cloud's point of view, showing what's going on in his mixed up mind while he's giving the Black Materia to Sephiroth in the North Crater. Jenova is controlling his body… but not his thoughts, and he is aware that he is betraying the whole world.

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The pain in my head is excruciating.

I cant hold out any longer; its like my cells are rebelling against me. 

Nothing's changed; I'm still the weak person who left Nibelheim all those years ago. Inside I haven't got any stronger. I'm pathetic. Everyone is fighting so hard, and I'm just gonna throw all their efforts away. I don't know what will happen once I let Jenova in, but I cant fend her off any more.

This is terrible. My mind screams out to my body, but it doesn't respond. I can't do anything. All I can hear is garbled words in my head; maybe that is Jenova speaking to me. All I know is that these sounds are mocking me, laughing at my weakness.

Hojo is speaking now. He's saying how I am no more than a failed experiment; a puppet created to serve Jenova. Although I try and try to scream out my arguments, I hear my voice begging Hojo to give me a number, make me a successful experiment. But it's not my voice entirely. There's something there, a hint of bitterness, of cruelty, which has never before been heard in my voice. None of the others have noticed that; except maybe for Tifa. She knows me best of all, of course; she would be the one to notice. I try and hint to her that it isn't me saying this; it isn't my actions that Cloud's physical form is carrying out.

I think she already knows. But I can't move other than what Jenova wants me to. I wonder whether the sane Sephiroth, the one I used to know and like, is trapped inside his body, unable to communicate? If Jenova is controlling him like this? Somehow, I don't believe it. But this is a bad situation. All that I can control is my eyes; I try to show through them that this isn't me. I think Tifa understands. That's why she is so frantic. 

She runs up to me and tries to talk to me, but Jenova turns away and ignores her. I struggle, but now that Jenova has hold of me there is no going back. I can't influence Jenova at all. She talks to me inside my mind in a language I can understand now; her voice is cruel and harsh. She tells me to stop struggling against my fate; any retorts I try to give she answers with stabs of pain behind my eyes. 

Tifa is devastated now; she thinks I am ignoring her. Maybe she _doesn't _understand that I'm a prisoner in my own body. Of course, I can't expect her to understand; it's not exactly a normal occurrence. But I have to speak to her somehow. I think of how much I adore her; have always held a special place in my heart for her. That's the reason I tried to become stronger, to protect her and make her notice me. But I failed. She's better off without me. I doubt that Jenova will ever let me go now that she has got her claws into my body. But she can't quiet the soul. I beg Jenova as loud as I can to let me say goodbye to my comrades if she was going to use me like that. 

She replies that she can hear all my thoughts. She makes what sounds like a sigh. Yes, she will allow me to make a final goodbye; but only if I succumb completely, and then she will let all the humans here go unharmed. For this time only, any other times they crossed our paths she would have to deal with them. This wasn't good enough... I pleaded with her to let them alone, never harm them. She didn't reply, only hurt me again. This was pure torture; having to plead for my friends lives as a deal for my own. But I couldn't let them ever get hurt. They would carry on without me; after all, I am so weak. They would complete the mission, avenge Aeris... and probably forget about me, putting me down as a traitor. It was better than the alternative though; no matter how hard I fought I could never beat Jenova out of me. I doubt my feeble struggles would cause her any hindrance at all in her quest. No, it was better to surrender.

Jenova spoke with my voice again... She told the AVALANCHE thank you from me. She seemed to be able to sense how much I needed to tell Tifa thank you, and so to my surprise Jenova did that. "You've been so good to me..." After she had finished, I questioned why she had done that. She let out a sort of laugh, more of a snort really. She answered that I was a part of her now. She knew every single feeling I possessed.

I grew angry. Including my feelings for Aeris, whom she'd murdered? Including Nibelheim, when her so called son had destroyed all that I held dear? She growled. She wasn't happy at my resistance. *I left Tifa to survive... It seems that you care for her quite a bit more than anything else...* I cringed. I knew what was coming. I could sense Jenova's thoughts and plans as well. She screamed that I was to back down, or else she'd destroy all that I held dear now. I had no choice. Aeris... I've failed you. AVALANCHE; I won't fail you any more. I wont let Jenova take your lives as well...

With a final sigh, I succumbed to Jenova entirely.

I could still sense what was going on, and I could tell that I was no longer human. I was Jenova completely. She started to walk towards Red. She demanded the black materia, and Red handed it over reluctantly. I tried to scream to Jenova to stop, but I no longer even had the voice inside my head to communicate. I could sense what was coming. The true form of Sephiroth was near; and the black materia was to be delivered to him. I couldn't believe that I was going to become part of this. Jenova's evil laughter fills my head. With a sickening feeling, I realise that Meteor is going to be summoned from this dark swirly globe in my gloved hand. 

Jenova moves my body towards Sephiroth's true form, and suddenly she makes me fly. I'm flying towards my worst enemy now. I can't let this happen; she can kill me if she wants. I cant let the Meteor be summoned because then... its all over. So I try different things. I can't communicate with her any more. I can't move at all. So... I try bombarding her consciousness with thoughts. I can hear her thoughts so I try and see if she can hear mine. I frantically call up all my mental images of Sephiroth being thrown into the Nibel mako pit, of Jenova being held in Nibelheim and Shinra Headquarters. It seems to work. *Stop that, puppet!* she screams, seemingly hurt. I keep it going. She cries out in my head. I suddenly realise its working; she's lost concentration and I'm falling. 

But then... Jenova just calls up another wave of breathtaking pain and washes it over my brain. And continues flying up. I'm upside down now, on some kind of roof. I scream inside my mind. I have to stop her; I'm nearly there. The guilt of my hand plunging the materia into Sephiroth's hand earlier, at the Temple of The Ancients, is bad enough; but now... this would be ten times worse. I wont live with the guilt too long though, so it won't really matter. I bombard Jenova with the images again; but I cant do enough. Very slowly, she's moving my body towards the place holding Sephiroth's form. I can't hold up any longer. I'm too damn weak.

Jenova screams in joy as she plunges my hand into Sephiroth and releases the black materia.

Below me, I can see Shinra and AVALANCHE all running away as the ground starts to shudder. Tifa is staring up at me, but Barrett pulls her away. That's good; I don't want her to remember me as I was when I died. Which will be soon. I can tell that Jenova plans to kill me when she's finished. Why did I ever think she'd keep her promise? Why did I give in? Now I've endangered AVALANCHE even more, because Meteor is here and Jenova wont leave them alone when she next meets them I know. I'm such a failure. 

Everything starts to shudder and break apart. I realise that Jenova is slowly releasing my mind. She whispers into my thoughts, with the cruellest and sharpest tone I have ever heard, and ever will. *I'm through with you now, puppet...* Suddenly, she releases my body back to me. I know I have to prevent Meteor if I can, so I reach for my sword and lunge for Sephiroth. Jenova is still in my head though, and she screams, freezing my body. I struggle, but my flailing arms and legs just make her laugh. *Be a good boy and just die, Cloud...*

I scream out loud as I realise I'm falling. Jenova has left completely now, but I don't care. I hug my sword close to me as I fall towards the slow moving river of the Lifestream beneath me.

I ache to be able to say sorry to Tifa and AVALANCHE, but its over now. I'll die if I stay in the Lifestream, from mako poisoning. My mind will literally be blanked out.

I plunge into the green liquid. All around, I can hear voices but I can't figure out what they're saying. I cry out as they invade my mind. Please, leave me alone... I can feel myself fading away. 

I'm sorry guys... I failed you all... I was a fool to give in. Please forgive me...

Soon, I'll be a part of this river I'm drowning in.

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End file.
